Rain rain go away

The rain came as light showers that adorned the sky. It was like Christmas lights at the start of September. And just like how we see the start of a spectacular light show leading to the main event, the light showers turn into a full blown storm like the star of the show that it is. Amazing as nature may be, for me it just brings devastation. I have seen it coming, and as expected the devastation started inside me.

The constant rain will not go away easily. It will enjoy the season because it’s his. It will embrace the heat when the morning comes. It will receive well the droplets of water that it brings. So that when it is full to the brim, it will release everything like a child high on sugar leaving everyone drenched. And…the rain does not play alone, it’s accompanied by the cold wind slowly travelling from the north pole. It signals the change in atmosphere and along with it, a change in me. From the light sniffles I get from the cold wind, to the dry air that tickles my throat…the sudden unfamiliarity chokes me. I can’t breathe and next thing I know I am fighting to survive this.

Breathing in, I inhale all the things I want to forget. Breathing out, I exhale all those things out in to the world wanting catharsis. But it’s not easy because I need to keep breathing and every time I do, everything comes back like the pain from that last heartbreak you can’t move on from.

But like all things, the rainy season will end too. As it ends, I hope that it takes all the bad things too. As for now, I wait for the rain to go away just to come back another day.

One day

One day I will find love
And not the kind who will love me despite my shortcomings
Not even the kind who will love me and accept all my flaws.
I want the kind of love who will look at me
And list all the great things that he can see…

Like how I am great at laughing, even at lame jokes…
Like how my skin looks radiant without make up on…
Like how unique my mind works even when I am like a dork
Like how I can’t ride bikes, but never backs down on long walks
Like how I can’t drive but is the best passenger
Like how I fangirl over BTS … Period (.)

The list will go on, so I hope to find love…a love who will find me beautiful and amazing.

You are beautiful, I say

You are beautiful, I say.

I say this because your eyes let me see your chaste soul.
I say this because your nose breathes in fresh perspectives.
I say this because your lips say the purest thoughts.
I say this because your ears listen even to the darkest stories.
I say this because your touch assures me of the gentlest comfort.

I say all these things because I know you.
I know that you are beautiful no matter what other people say.

Maganda Ako

Maganda ako…
Sabi ng nanay ko…

Sinabi nya yun ng walang pagaalinlangan dahil sa kanyang mga mata, ako na mula sa kanya ang pinakamaganda.

Sinabi nya yun ng buo ang pagtitiwala na ang kagandahan ko ay hindi lamang sa panlabas na anyo kundi hangang sa kaibuturan.

Sinabi nya yun dahil siya mismo ang humulma sa bawat sulok ng pagkatao na mayroon ako.

Sinabi nya yun…

At tulad nya,
ako rin ay naniniwala na maganda ako.

For my sake

For my sake,
call me one last time.
Let me hear your voice again.
Tell me that it will be alright.
Tell me that things will be fine;
That I can sleep sound tonight
knowing that you had thought of me
One last time.

For my sake,
kiss me again like how you used to,
urgent like it would be the last time.
Kiss me like how you’ve always wanted to,
but never did.
Kiss me once, twice, thrice;
As much as you can
in this limited time.

For my sake,
leave without going back.
No calls, no messages…
No ‘how are you doing?’
‘I’ve missed you.’.
Leave and mean it!
Because for my sake,
I need you to let go of me,
finally, this time.

ECQ Diaries: love in the time of Covid-19

Even now, I think

Neither of us thought that

Having our kind of connection

And intense sense of kinship

Now, would be gone.

Cementing what I would see as the

End of our short fleeting moments

Deepened by false promises,

Concocted by bored minds.

On the premise that the crisis will end; that

Meeting you is possible; that

Meeting you is the plan… Or rather was the plan.

Understanding the circumstance, but

Nitpicking on my perceived shortcomings.

I know, I should stop. But if I do,

Then what?

You’d probably pursue new endeavours, not even

Questioning what happened to us?

Up until when was it true for you?

And then, I tell myself that it is

Risk. You were the risk.

An investment I never meant to make,

Never even thought of

Till you showed up opening me to an opportunity

Interesting enough to notice

Nice enough to like and

Even love.

Sa pagitan ng aking paghihintay

Sa pagitan ng aking paghihintay, 3 beses kitang nakilala.

Sa unang pagkakataon, nakita kita nakatingin …
nakatitig …
nakatitig sa mga mata
mga matang binabalot ng takot at pangamba
mga takot na hindi ko alam san hinuhugot
mga takot na tila pinulot …
pinulot sa mga pagkakamali,
sa mga pangakong nabali,
sa tiwalang nasira, sa pusong wala ng natira.
Habang patuloy kitang tinititigan,
saka mo ako nginitian…
Ngiting ipinilit
Pinipilit kahit masakit
hanggang sa sinabing, kaya pa!
Kaya ko pa…
Kaya sa unang pagkakataon, hinangaan kita

Nagkita tayo sa ikalawang pagkakataon
At sa pagkakataong ito, hindi kita nakilala
Tila may pagbabago na sa iyong mga mata
Ang dating mga takot
Mga takot at pangamba
Ngayon ay wala na…
Nilapitan kita dahil gusto kong malaman
Pagod ka na ba?
Pagod sa mga pagkakamaling paulit ulit
Sa mga pangakong ikaw mismo ang bumali
O dahil ba pagod ka na sa pagtitiwala
Pagtitiwalang hindi ka na muling masasaktan pa…?
Ngunit ng ika’y makita,
Ako ay napuno ng pagtataka.
Ang iyong mga ngiti ay nariyan pa,
Abot pa rin nito ang mga tala…
Pero may pagbabago at tila ito ay malabo
Ang sabi mo nasaktan ka
Paulit ulit pa…
Pero bakit ang sabi mo,
Pinatawad ko na sila…
At sa pagkakataong ito,
…nirespeto kita.

At sa ikatlo at huling pagkakataon, nakilala kitang muli
Ang iyong mga ngiti
hindi na maaring mabali
Ang iyong mga sambit ay tila nauulit
Nauulit ang mga
Okay lang…
Di bale na…
Sige sa susunod…
Wala yon…
Ako pa ba…
Ito’y iyong sinasambit kahit pa muling maranasan ang sakit.
Dahil alam mong sa isang saglit
Ikaw ay nabuo ng mga sariling pagkakamali
Ng mga pangakong nabali at binali
Ng tiwalang nawala at muling nahanap
Ng pusong nawasak at ngayon ay buo na.
Dahil sa pagitan ng aking paghihintay…
Sa pagkakataong ito, tinatanggap kita…
Ng buong buo.

To my mom

I may be a day late but I would still like to share this for my mom, a Happy Mother’s day to you!

To you mom,

A great big fat thank you:

For giving me life

For providing for me

For not giving up

For all the times you worry about me

For all the dresses you bought me

For giving me the best education I could have

For making me love reading

For supporting me in everything

For loving me unconditionally

Thank you.

I also want to say an unashamed SORRY:

For going out late

For lying to you at times

For making you cry

For making you carry me 9 months

For giving you pain during labor

For getting low marks on that algebra subject

For making you worry

For everything else that made you almost give up

For not showing you that I love you too no matter what

Sorry.

BUT please do know that I do love you with all my heart. You are my forever and always. We may have annoyed each other so many times and probably have hurt each other for apparent reasons that are not worth it. But do know that I will love you no matter what.

I know I am a living reminder of a heartbreak you had and I am thankful that you were smart enough not to let it get to you and hate me. I am a very blessed kid. Despite everything we went through, you still remain to be the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. NO hate can tarnish the person you are. Now I hope you continue to be that person always and forever.

I love you mom.

Happy mudrakels day!

Parkour defined

Parkour. It’s a philosophy. It’s a way of life. It’s movement. It’s efficiency. But what is it really? Well it is all that and more. I can’t tell you since I’m not a traceur and I could probably commit mistakes that could get me into a lot of trouble. But I can try, right?

So here goes nothing.

Parkour is the callus I feel when I used to hold his hand. It is the eye rolling I did when he sees high walls. It was me shouting ‘I’m not with him!’ when he jumps everywhere. It is the cold clammy feeling when I hold railings just so I can try what he was doing. It was the delight I felt when I was able to jump across the low bar and I say, “oh my, I’m doing parkour”. It was the twinkle in his eyes saying “I’m so happy you did it, we are now getting on the same page”. It was me holding a video camera just to capture the ‘awesome’ stunt he does. It was the soiled pants he usually wears on Sundays. It was the annoyance I felt whenever he would jump off crazy stairs. It was my fear that he might injure himself. It was the dirty hands he kept off my face after he worked out. It’s the sweat trickling down his face that I taste as we kiss. It is the new shirts he would wear, one size smaller. It was the question, “is that okay for you?”. It was a test of my character, I admit. It was his dream to do it, but didn’t push thru. It was something I can’t do anything about, but to support.

At one point, it was everything to him.

It became mine too, at one point…as he was my everything.

But parkour, like everything else he did, had to sit back and relax. Until finally, one day forgotten.

He found different things to focus on. He found something he was better at. He found something he was more passionate about.

But I would always see that twinkle in his eyes, so I know that it’s alright. He is happy. Parkour may be gone, but he is still happy.

Now I sit back and relax. I haven’t seen him for quite some time. But I wish he still has that twinkle in his eyes. That even though my one day had happened already, he stays happy.